CHILD BELIEVES HIS NAME IS "HURRY"

For years my second son thought his name was Hurry.

Hurry Matthew, the little boy once introduced himself to a grocery checker who had chucked him under the chin in a friendly way.

"You mean Harry Matthews?"  the baffled clerk inquired.

"No, it's Hurry Matthew!  Hurry Matthew, eat your breakfast!  Hurry Matthew, brush your teeth!  Hurry Matthew,  clean your room!

"But sometimes they call me Hurry Matt, for short!"

"It's a hectic life!"  I tried to explain, all the while knowing if the checker had kids of her own, she'd understand, and if she didn't there'd be nothing I could say to make her see

How to get kids to move quickly is something they don't teach you in any pre-natal class.  But in my opinion, prospective parents would do well to hang out with their local high school track coach for at least eight of the nine long months before delivery.  Who else can get a kid to hustle as fast as he can without counting to three first?

Still there are disadvantages to finally teaching your little ones to hurry up.    There's not an aging mom and dad alive who, looking back, won't tell you their children hurried much too quickly when it came to growing up and leaving home!

 

There's not an aging parent alive 

                                                              who won't tell you their children
                                                                 hurried much too quickly
                                                              when it came to growing up.                                            

ANOTHER NEW HOUSE CLEANING SCHEME

"You just wait until you hear about my newest house cleaning scheme," I told my husband, in answer to the amazed expression on his face.  Just home from work, he stood there staring at his own reflection in the highly polished surface of the refrigerator door.

"You're going to see some real changes around here," I continued, attempting to spread-eagle myself against the fridge door.

I wasn't fast enough, though.  Before you could say "ice in the icebox," my spouse had pried it open.

"Honey, why are today's bills and the baby's toys in the freezer?" he asked with incredulous restraint.

"It's all part of the strategy,"  I said, grasping at the opportunity to explain my new, ingenious system for gaining a reputation with drop-in guests, neighbors, and the Avon Lady, as the impeccable housekeeper I had never been.

"You see, by cleaning only the visible surfaces of everything, I'll save time, while creating an illusion of order.  Visitors to our home will see the freshly vacuumed floors, the spotless walls, and the neatly arranged bookcases, and say, 'Wow, how does she do it, with all those little kids?'

"Of course, we'll have to put up with a few minor inconveniences--like wearing hardhats when we open the closet bi-folds, and never unlocking the basement door.  But it's just until the children grow up.

"In the meantime, there'll be no more roller skates on the stairs, no clutter on counters,and no more muddy footprints in the hall, except under these throw rugs that I can easily reposition as needed," I told him.

"Everything that meets the human eye will be clean and fresh? Well, that explains it!"  He exclaimed.

""Explains what?" I asked, rhetorically testing his understanding of my scheme.

"That explains the wrinkles in the backs of all my shirts."

"Honey, why are the baby's toys and the bills in the fridge?"

STRESS? JUST GET ORGANIZED

"The key to managing stress is an organized approach to self improvement," I told my husband right after New Years Day.   "This year I really am going to get my life in order."

"Here we go again," Dave replied in the tone of voice he usually reserves for condolences.   "The last time you got organized, our youngest kid redecorated the kitchen with A-1 Sauce, strawberry jam, and everything else she could drag out of the fridge, every time you took your 9 a.m. shower."

"So, I had a little problem with scheduling.  This time I'll take my shower before Julie even gets up."

"You mean we're back to rise and shine at 4:30 in the morning?"

"Well, not exactly.  You can sleep in 'til 5, if you want to."

"You've got to be kidding!  Even a sloth couldn't sleep through fifteen minutes of 'Carmen' sung to the rhythm of running shower water."

"When else can I practice my singing?"

"How about five minutes after I leave for work?"

"No go.  That time slot is reserved for meditation."

"Couldn't you meditate over lunch?"

"Uh, uh!  That's when I plan to study German."

"You're going to study German with a mouthful of cottage cheese and pineapple?"

"Yes, that should augment the guttural sounds."

"If guttural is what you want, why don't you sprechen your deutsch during your afternoon exercise routine?"

"Can't!  I'll be folding laundry between intervals."

"I don't suppose you could fold our clothes any other time?"

"Nope, I've got every minute planned down to each sweep of the second hand.  I'm going to be so organized this time you won't recognize me.  Stress over not enough hours in the day is going to be a thing of the past."

"Are you sure you have to do this?"

"It's the only way."

"But what about me? Where do I fit into this great organizational plan of yours?"

"Right here.  Right now," my words came out in sobs. "I've scheduled twenty minutes for you to talk me out of it!"

*****

I love these two ideas for saving time while cooking or getting ready for the day:

Hang a clear vinyl shoe holder on the inside of your pantry or toy closet door to organize small items.  Great for stowing cords and cables in Hubby's office

A double-sided jewelry caddy makes finding necklaces and earrings quickly easy.

SO MUCH FOR MY NEW YEAR'S DIET!

Dear Ellen,

So sorry I can't accept your luncheon invitation for Monday.  You see, I always start my diet on the first day of the week.

However, if you would consider giving me a rain check, I'd be glad to come on any Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday.

Fridays are out of the question, because I have my Mexican cooking class at noon.  On Saturdays, my husband takes me out to Golden Corral.  And, of course, there's church each Sunday, after which my in-laws always come for dinner--this week it's baked ham with raisin sauce, cheesy potatoes, French-fried onion rings, and banana cream pie. 

And then we're back to Monday again, which is absolutely impossible, unless you're open to some suggestions for healthy choices that won't jeopardize my New Year's resolution to lose weight.

For example, cantaloupe balls make a wonderful low-fat appetizer.  We could eat them a la mode and not feel the least bit guilty if we followed up with a grapefruit juice chaser.

My Aunt Bertha has the most refreshing recipe.  She whisks in some brown sugar and then runs it through a strainer to get rid of any remaining high-calorie lumps.  Just one glass will purify your system and burn off any fat molecules that make it to your intestines.

I’d be glad to bring my ham-less hoagies for the main course. With enough cheese and mayo on the buns, we’ll never even miss the meat.

 

What about lite éclairs for dessert?  Yes, although you leave out the custard filling, the extra-creamy chocolate glaze is just divine.

But, tell me--what will everyone be wearing?  Would my jersey tent dress do?  You know the dark knit with vertical stripes and leg of mutton sleeves?

Still, if you insist on serving your famous Hawaiian chicken with honey and cashews, I’ve got a really awesome muumuu I could wear...

Got a really awesome muumuu I could wear!

EXCHANGING IS BIG POST-HOLIDAY ACTIVITY

You say good old Aunt Bertha finally came through? This Christmas she gave you a purple and orange, striped tie instead of the usual underwater basket weaving kit?

Well, some folks weren’t so lucky.  Once again area retailers report brisk business in the exchange department.

While wading pool ice skate rink conversion kits, self-propelled bowling balls, and machine knitted nose warmers were leading contenders on last year’s list of novelty gifts most likely to be exchanged after Christmas, local merchants are bracing themselves in 2014 for an exceptionally high rate of return on the following items:

1. The recipe book version of Green Eggs and Ham, by Dr. Seuss
2. Electric banana peelers with automatic ripeness sensors
3. Bicycles with a downhill cruise control option
4. “Do It Yourself” orthodontic wiring kits
5. The Complete Passenger Pigeon Breeder’s Handbook
6. Single color Rubik’s Cubes
7. Cruise packages to Afghanistan or North Korea
8. His and Hers “I Love John Swallow” tee shirts
9. Betty White edition Barbie Dolls
10.  Freeze dried ice cubes 

 

Please take back this ugly Christmas shirt!