"Mom, we've got to talk," my 13-year-old daughter cried the day I was asked to plan a hoagie sandwich bar for her girls softball team. I knew from her voice--sort of a cross between Lassie's and Katherine Hepburn's--that she was afraid I'd embarrass her by selecting the wrong ingredients.
"Like I'd die if you came home with a shopping bag full of liverwurst," she exclaimed.
"Who said anything about liverwurst? I don't even like liverwurst.
"OK," she said. "But whatever you do, don't make things look too healthy."
"Too healthy?"
"What I mean is, go easy on the rabbit food. None of my friends have big teeth and long ears, you know. Most of them are just normal kids like me."
"And what do normal kids like you eat on their sandwiches, besides peanut butter and honey?" I couldn't resist asking.
"Miracle Whip. Lots and lots of Miracle Whip, but no mustard or real mayonnaise, please, unless you want to kill us all off with the first bite"
"Miracle Whip; hold the mustard and the mayo. What else?'
"Turkey, ham, and roast beef. Some kids will choose just one kind of meat. Others will want all three. But don't get mystery meat. These are softball players, not detectives."
"And just what do softball players classify as mystery meat?
"Bologna, sausage, and breaded patties of any kind. Almost everyone suspects what those things are made of, but most don't really wanna know."
"Anything else?"
"Cheese. But not that white cheese with little blue things growing in it. My friends only eat orange cheese."
"Orange cheese."
"And white bread. Soft, white bread, not that cardboard stuff with all the vitamins."
"I should have known. If there's anything teenagers can't stand, it's vitamins."
"Or onions.
"Or peppers.
"Or alfalfa sprouts.
"Or pickles, lettuce, and tomatoes?" I asked.
"Pickles, no. Lettuce, maybe. Tomatoes, YES!"
"Great!" I couldn't help exclaiming. Now my daughter was finally being sensible. "How many tomatoes do you think we'll need?"
"At least 60," she said. "That way everyone will have plenty of ammunition."
"Ammunition?"
"Sure! I don't know a single softball player who actually likes to eat tomatoes. But as for throwing them..."
Published in the "Deseret News," August 24, 1994
