Deseret News, October 19, 1994
As I edited this old newspaper column, I thought and noted how much times have changed. The only thing that hasn't change is that at age 72 I still ride my bike. But now it's my grandkids who think I look dorky.
"Mom, you look funny on your bike," my thirteen-year-old daughter said as I returned home from a recent attempt to shed unwanted pounds of cellulite along a country road.
"What do you mean?" I gasped, swinging one thunder thigh unsteadily across my bicycle seat to land with quivering muscles on both feet.
"Well, like it seems kind of nerdy for a woman your age to go around on a Schwinn!" she decreed.
A middle-aged mom on two wheels is not the only person who seems totally gross me out and gag me with a spoon to my sophisticated 8th grader. I've always expected she was a card carrying member of KASM (Kids against Spastic Moms), but her running commentary on what is and is not cool has never been limited to protecting her mom from dorkiness. That girl is a self-proclaimed expert on acceptable behavior for any human being who gets into her line of vision.
For example, granny glasses are in, backpacks are not. Shaved necklines are in; pigtails are out. Baggy pants are rad. Pants that fit are only worn by dweebs. Suspenders are OK, as long as they're strictly ornamental. Heaven help the guy who actually uses them to keep his trousers up. (Note: The definition of "dorkiness" has been almost totally in 2021.)
Heaven help the mom who calls pants trousers or slacks and nylon stockings hose (Heaven help the mom who even wears nylon stockings or pantyhose in 2021).
Ditto for handbag--call it a purse, but don't actually carry it. According to my daughter, the only thing worse than carrying a backpack is having a purse on your arm. Only geeks actually worry about having a safe place to stow their handkerchiefs. Actually, only geeks use anything but Kleenex tucked in pockets or bras for wiping their noses.
In other words, if you're gonna' rock, you've got to give everything that smacks of common sense or convenience, including umbrellas, portable stadium seats, long pants or winter coats in sub-zero weather, shoes that can be purchased without a monthly payment plan, and anything that keeps your hair out of your eyes--except a totally cool sideways wedging of the head ten thousand times a day.
I wonder what she'd think about me rollerblading!
