"Once upon a time, there were three bears," I opened the book and mouthed the old familiar words.
"But we've heard that one before," the children protested.
"Yes," I agreed, "But the last time the three bears went for a walk in the woods to wait for their porridge to cool, things turned out just a little differently."
"Different?" the kids worried.
"Differently. Oh, you can be sure that Goldilocks made her usual way into the three bears' kitchen while they were out. But when she tasted the Papa Bear's porridge, she could only exclaim, This porridge has too many chemical additives, and it’s probably made of genetically modified grain!
"Her reaction to the Mother Bear's steaming owl of porridge came in the form of a question? Are the cooking emissions from the preparation of this meal environmentally safe?
"And she didn't even taste the Teeny, Tiny Baby Bear's portion once she realized that even organically grown wheat could draw toxic PCBs from contaminated soil.
"So she skipped breakfast and went into the three bear's living room.
"Oh, my! she worried as she sat in the Papa Bear's chair. The small, loosely sewed buttons on these cushions could choke a little child.
"She only sat for a minute in the Mama Bear's chair, because there was no way to tell if it had lead-free paint.
"And realizing that the padding in the Teeny, Tiny Baby Bear's chair could easily catch fire, she passed it up altogether.
"The situation was even worse in the three bears' bedroom.
"These blankets may have been treated with cancer-causing fire retardants, Goldilocks surmised as she tested the Papa Bear's bed.
"The feathers in these pillows could have come from an endangered species, she worried, as she examined the Mama Bear's bed.
"And she had barely bounced on the Teeny, Tiny Baby Bear's wee, little bed when she was engulfed by a cloud of allergy-causing dust mites.
"Screaming hysterically, Goldilocks ran out of the bears' house, never to return. (But she was careful not to go too fast and risk getting her heart rate above the optimum target zone.)
"As for the three bears, they never came back to their house either, when they found out out how close it was to the town's nuclear reactor."
"That was a good story, Mom," my oldest daughter said, "but you really shouldn't risk straining your eyes by reading at such low light levels!"
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| As for the three bears, they never returned to their house either, because it was too close to the town's nuclear reactor. |
