Cost of Health Care May be Important, but Half-emptied Soda Cans Really Stir Mom Up

 "You've got to be kidding!" my friend Gold spluttered, as she read the results of a poll by Special Report Magazine.

ˆ"Eighty-nine percent of the women who were asked what made them mad last week said it was the rising cost of medical care."

"Well, I said, "doesn't it bother you to pay more for a pair of contact lenses than for a new vacuum?"

"Sure," my friend laughed, "especially since I wouldn't need a vacuum if I couldn't see the dirt.

“But I still think whoever planned that poll left a few categories out--like husbands who put empty mayonnaise jars back in the fridge instead of washing them for the re-cycle bin.  And children who don't wipe their feet."

"Maybe those pollsters were just focusing on large issues," I ventured.

"Large issues!  Who says my 15-year-old's muddy footprints down the hall are not large issues?"

"I mean in areas of national concern."

"Are you saying that women all over the nation don't get concerned when their kids won't eat their vegetables?  And are you suggesting that nine out of ten American females welcome the sight of half-emptied soda cans left all around the family room?"

""No," I answered, "but half-emptied pop cans left out in the family room can hardly be considered an American emergency.  Wasn’t that poll really focusing on national feminist issues like women in the work force and the unavailability of quality child care."

Golda's eyes opened wide. "I hadn't thought about it that way," she admitted.

"So, if someone asked you what made your blood boil last week, would you still be thinking about muddy footprints and abandoned soft drink cans?"

"No," said Gold, enlightened now about feminist issues of national concern:  "In every American bathroom, there's this yellow bathtub ring..."

Published in the “Deseret News,” July 14-15, 1993

Foot in Mouth? Push!

Putting your foot in your mouth is at least as bad as sticking it in quicksand.  The harder you try to get it out, the deeper in it goes.

Of course, there are a few people who always manage to keep their feet planted squarely beneath them where they belong.

These are the rare folks who ambulate through life without ever committing such faux pas as asking someone when their baby is due three weeks after she's delivered, or inviting a middle-aged acquaintance to introduce his mother, when the little woman standing beside him is actually his middle-aged wife.

Such social sure-foots live a carefree existence.  Only they can sample pickled pigs feet without wondering if they should save them for a possible cross-species transplant.  Words like retract, recant, and rephrase are not even in their vocabulary.

Most of us, however, know from experience that a foot in the mouth leaves a bitter aftertaste.  Nervous habits like chewing our nails--finger and toe--are second nature to us, as we try to make things better and end up making them worse.  Much worse.

"I didn't notice how much flatter your stomach is, because I was so busy looking at your face," we might stutter to the newly-delivered mom.

That's another thing about talking when your mouth is full of toes--you can't help but stutter.

"You say this is your wife, not your mother?  I-I-Aye Yi Yi!  Pass the toe jam, please!"

When you get right down to it, there's really only one thing to do once you've stuck your foot in your mouth--shove it in even further.  With your mouth thus plugged, there'll be no way on earth you can put your other foot in it!